Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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