My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
