I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I think i got beer on your cat.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
