Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
my shit smells like andre
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
