im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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