Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
