if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Randomize
