Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Randomize
