I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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