Your mouth is God's brothel.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
