Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
