He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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