and you said cock pushups were impossible
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
May the power of my ass compel you!!
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
