I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
