Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
