um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
3 2 1 whiskey
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
