Screwed.edu
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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