I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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