grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
