I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
