Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
