there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
should my penis look like a turkey
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
