I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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