If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
