he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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