I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
