I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
