Jerry, you need to find god
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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