All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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