What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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