i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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