it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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