he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
