? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
