i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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