I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
