considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
