Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Randomize
