So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
