Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
