I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize