It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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