New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
