You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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