I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
