Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
