the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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