my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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