We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
