rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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