so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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