Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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