I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
