I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
