i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
