let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
