i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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