I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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