Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Randomize
