i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
