I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
