I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
