God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He did a backflip because drugs
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize