I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Randomize