I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
