Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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