we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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