I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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