I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
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